IC Contact

[bitcher]

You've reached the voicemail of: Tobias Beecher.

Please leave your message after the tone.

Comments

[liprings]

They call it Oz? Well that's fucking gay. I don't even have to try with that one, it's set up for "friends of Dorothy" or whatever already!

[bitcher]

Would you rather we all called it Oswald?

... [but he can't help the little smirk as he adds] What's better, is they called the wing I was in "Emerald City".

[liprings]

Yeah, like the fuckin' Penguin! That dude's badass, that's way better.

[ a beat ]

Holy shit, those fucknuts weren't kidding around. Were they aiming to have everyone there sparkly prancing fairies by the time they were out?

[bitcher]

What penguin?

Probably, honestly. Anything to reform people. [great fucking job they did, too. Asswipes.]

[liprings]

Dude, the Penguin, not what penguin. You know, umbrellas and guns? Flipper-hands?

Anyway, good thing you busted outta there and jailbroke to the moon, huh!

[bitcher]

No idea.

Oh yeah. Great move, trading one prison for another. You can't tell me you're happy up here. Why else would you be bothering me?

[liprings]

You're a lost fucking cause, bro.

Are you kidding me?! I get to take walks on the moon! [ a beat. ] Which is actually really fucking boring when you get over the bouncing.

[bitcher]

So basically I'm right and you're bored out of your mind.

[liprings]

Uh — [ :[ ] Little bit, maybe.

[bitcher]

So why don't you go on one of those.... "missions" I keep hearing about?

[liprings]

What, like, to go visit Moctezuma or whatever?

[bitcher]

If... that's the sort of thing people usually do, then yeah.

[liprings]

Sounds kinda fucked up.

[ thoughtful pause... ]

But I bet they had sweet bitches back then.

[bitcher]

Right. Just waiting for a... vampire.... like you to sweep them off their feet.

[liprings]

Fuckin' right! Shit, I'd be a regular Prince Charming with fangs.

Wanna go?

[bitcher]

Mmm, better not. I'm not a great "wingman".

[liprings]

Dude, don't make me kidnap your ass to medieval England or whatever.

[bitcher]

Kidnap me? Come on. What are you, like seventeen?

[Hi, guess who actually doesn't believe you're a vampire.]

[liprings]

Hey, fuck you! Seventeen was eight years ago, I'm over that shit. No, see, what this is is a friendly fuckin' warning.

[bitcher]

Oh is it now?

[liprings]

Yeeeep! You report for duty, or I haul your ass somewhere in time. See? That's the warning, you got warned. Now if you ain't there in twenty minutes, shit gets involuntary.

[bitcher]

Now see, the problem I don't see that happening. The problem is I'm not exactly keen to continue this fucking conversation with you, much less go "somewhere in time" with you. So I'd start looking for another Bill to go have your Excellent Adventure with, Ted.

'Cause I'm not him.

[liprings]

All I hear is blah blah blah I'm a whiny bitch blah blah dickless chump with no spirit of adventure, come fix it for me Jan. And, bro? I can so help with that.

Where's your ass now? No, wait, don't fuckin' tell me! That's part of the game too.

[bitcher]

...Hey, here's a new game: lay a hand on Beecher and he shoves a piece of metal through your throat.

[does he actually believe anything's going to happen? ....No, not really. It's too ludicrous. But at the same time -

- best to make things clear.]

[liprings]

Tchyeah, whatever. Pack a bag if you don't wanna live off the land. See you soon, bro!