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[bitcher]

You've reached the voicemail of: Tobias Beecher.

Please leave your message after the tone.

Comments

[bitcher]

...You're really just desperate for some attention, aren't you?

Or a shank in the back. I can't decide.

[liprings]

Who says it can't be both, huh? Lookit you, all making rude assumptions and shit! Rude as hell, I'll tell you what.

[bitcher]

I take it back. Absolutely it's the shank. Christ, if you'd been in Oz...

[liprings]

Shit, I'm just bored enough that I wouldn't even rip your arm off for it. Getting shanked's better than a whole lotta nothing.

What the fuck's Oz?

[bitcher]

[right. Just a snort at that.]

The Oswald Maximum Security Penitentiary. [with a drawl.] Prison.

[liprings]

They call it Oz? Well that's fucking gay. I don't even have to try with that one, it's set up for "friends of Dorothy" or whatever already!

[bitcher]

Would you rather we all called it Oswald?

... [but he can't help the little smirk as he adds] What's better, is they called the wing I was in "Emerald City".

[liprings]

Yeah, like the fuckin' Penguin! That dude's badass, that's way better.

[ a beat ]

Holy shit, those fucknuts weren't kidding around. Were they aiming to have everyone there sparkly prancing fairies by the time they were out?

[bitcher]

What penguin?

Probably, honestly. Anything to reform people. [great fucking job they did, too. Asswipes.]

[liprings]

Dude, the Penguin, not what penguin. You know, umbrellas and guns? Flipper-hands?

Anyway, good thing you busted outta there and jailbroke to the moon, huh!

[bitcher]

No idea.

Oh yeah. Great move, trading one prison for another. You can't tell me you're happy up here. Why else would you be bothering me?

[liprings]

You're a lost fucking cause, bro.

Are you kidding me?! I get to take walks on the moon! [ a beat. ] Which is actually really fucking boring when you get over the bouncing.

[bitcher]

So basically I'm right and you're bored out of your mind.

[liprings]

Uh — [ :[ ] Little bit, maybe.

[bitcher]

So why don't you go on one of those.... "missions" I keep hearing about?

[liprings]

What, like, to go visit Moctezuma or whatever?

[bitcher]

If... that's the sort of thing people usually do, then yeah.

[liprings]

Sounds kinda fucked up.

[ thoughtful pause... ]

But I bet they had sweet bitches back then.

[bitcher]

Right. Just waiting for a... vampire.... like you to sweep them off their feet.

[liprings]

Fuckin' right! Shit, I'd be a regular Prince Charming with fangs.

Wanna go?

[bitcher]

Mmm, better not. I'm not a great "wingman".

[liprings]

Dude, don't make me kidnap your ass to medieval England or whatever.

[bitcher]

Kidnap me? Come on. What are you, like seventeen?

[Hi, guess who actually doesn't believe you're a vampire.]

[liprings]

Hey, fuck you! Seventeen was eight years ago, I'm over that shit. No, see, what this is is a friendly fuckin' warning.

[bitcher]

Oh is it now?