IC Contact

[bitcher]

You've reached the voicemail of: Tobias Beecher.

Please leave your message after the tone.

Comments

voicemail, the day after SOMEONE hung up on him

[liprings]

[ there's a moment of silence, and then a(n obviously faked) dramatic sob. it builds to a low wail, and... then continues in that vein for about 45 seconds. if Tobias actually manages to get through all that, at the very end it stops abruptly, replaced by a very smug-sounding Jan: ]

Day one, bitch.

[ and he's out. ]

[bitcher]

[you little cocksucker.

Beecher is going to get so tired this, so quickly.]

more voicemails!! pretend i was on time.........

[liprings]

[ 13th: This one starts out with the same wailing, but only goes for 40 seconds before he suddenly cuts off into, apparently, arguing with someone, and the call cuts out. ]

[ 14th: Today our hero starts gamely into the wailing sobs, but at about 30 seconds in, he loses interest entirely. The next 3 minutes will be a long, rambling story about the time he and Luke (domestic partner? brother? friend he's super dependent on? hard to tell) nearly got arrested trying to dispose of a body, but ended up escaping to Guatemala with three hookers for cover. ]

[ 15th: He starts the call having forgotten, apparently, that it's supposed to be about wailing, and just gets straight to an even longer, more tangent-filled ramble about another hooker adventure, filled with at least 20 different female names. They repeat a few times, and he seems to be making them up as he goes. Right at the end he remembers to do 20 seconds of loud crying. ]

[ 16th: Now he's just talking about whales. Not even any crying pretense, but he keeps calling them "bitches of the sea", and there's no discernible point to this ramble. ]

[bitcher]

[...

...He's going to kill him. He's going to just shove a shank into this idiot's throat and hope that shuts him up. Jesus Christ.]

[liprings]

[ today, Jan doesn't wait for voicemail! he hangs up when it starts. then calls back again. and again. and again. and again.

do you pick up, mr beecher?? ]

[bitcher]

[he lets it ring. He lets it ring so many times but the damn little thing won't stop buzzing and he's trying to sleep and he can't figure out how to make the damn thing silent so - ]

- What? What do you want, asshole?

[liprings]

[ immediately and cheerfully: ] Heeeeyyy, bro! I thought your ass was dead, or some shit.

[bitcher]

And now you know I'm not. Swell. Can I hang up now?

[liprings]

Depends. You wanna watch me call back thirty more times?

[bitcher]

...You're really just desperate for some attention, aren't you?

Or a shank in the back. I can't decide.

[liprings]

Who says it can't be both, huh? Lookit you, all making rude assumptions and shit! Rude as hell, I'll tell you what.

[bitcher]

I take it back. Absolutely it's the shank. Christ, if you'd been in Oz...

[liprings]

Shit, I'm just bored enough that I wouldn't even rip your arm off for it. Getting shanked's better than a whole lotta nothing.

What the fuck's Oz?

[bitcher]

[right. Just a snort at that.]

The Oswald Maximum Security Penitentiary. [with a drawl.] Prison.

[liprings]

They call it Oz? Well that's fucking gay. I don't even have to try with that one, it's set up for "friends of Dorothy" or whatever already!

[bitcher]

Would you rather we all called it Oswald?

... [but he can't help the little smirk as he adds] What's better, is they called the wing I was in "Emerald City".

[liprings]

Yeah, like the fuckin' Penguin! That dude's badass, that's way better.

[ a beat ]

Holy shit, those fucknuts weren't kidding around. Were they aiming to have everyone there sparkly prancing fairies by the time they were out?

[bitcher]

What penguin?

Probably, honestly. Anything to reform people. [great fucking job they did, too. Asswipes.]

[liprings]

Dude, the Penguin, not what penguin. You know, umbrellas and guns? Flipper-hands?

Anyway, good thing you busted outta there and jailbroke to the moon, huh!

[bitcher]

No idea.

Oh yeah. Great move, trading one prison for another. You can't tell me you're happy up here. Why else would you be bothering me?

[liprings]

You're a lost fucking cause, bro.

Are you kidding me?! I get to take walks on the moon! [ a beat. ] Which is actually really fucking boring when you get over the bouncing.

[bitcher]

So basically I'm right and you're bored out of your mind.

[liprings]

Uh — [ :[ ] Little bit, maybe.

[bitcher]

So why don't you go on one of those.... "missions" I keep hearing about?

[liprings]

What, like, to go visit Moctezuma or whatever?