IC Contact

[bitcher]

You've reached the voicemail of: Tobias Beecher.

Please leave your message after the tone.

Comments

[liprings]

[ today, Jan doesn't wait for voicemail! he hangs up when it starts. then calls back again. and again. and again. and again.

do you pick up, mr beecher?? ]

[bitcher]

[he lets it ring. He lets it ring so many times but the damn little thing won't stop buzzing and he's trying to sleep and he can't figure out how to make the damn thing silent so - ]

- What? What do you want, asshole?

[liprings]

[ immediately and cheerfully: ] Heeeeyyy, bro! I thought your ass was dead, or some shit.

[bitcher]

And now you know I'm not. Swell. Can I hang up now?

[liprings]

Depends. You wanna watch me call back thirty more times?

[bitcher]

...You're really just desperate for some attention, aren't you?

Or a shank in the back. I can't decide.

[liprings]

Who says it can't be both, huh? Lookit you, all making rude assumptions and shit! Rude as hell, I'll tell you what.

[bitcher]

I take it back. Absolutely it's the shank. Christ, if you'd been in Oz...

[liprings]

Shit, I'm just bored enough that I wouldn't even rip your arm off for it. Getting shanked's better than a whole lotta nothing.

What the fuck's Oz?

[bitcher]

[right. Just a snort at that.]

The Oswald Maximum Security Penitentiary. [with a drawl.] Prison.

[liprings]

They call it Oz? Well that's fucking gay. I don't even have to try with that one, it's set up for "friends of Dorothy" or whatever already!

[bitcher]

Would you rather we all called it Oswald?

... [but he can't help the little smirk as he adds] What's better, is they called the wing I was in "Emerald City".

[liprings]

Yeah, like the fuckin' Penguin! That dude's badass, that's way better.

[ a beat ]

Holy shit, those fucknuts weren't kidding around. Were they aiming to have everyone there sparkly prancing fairies by the time they were out?

[bitcher]

What penguin?

Probably, honestly. Anything to reform people. [great fucking job they did, too. Asswipes.]

[liprings]

Dude, the Penguin, not what penguin. You know, umbrellas and guns? Flipper-hands?

Anyway, good thing you busted outta there and jailbroke to the moon, huh!

[bitcher]

No idea.

Oh yeah. Great move, trading one prison for another. You can't tell me you're happy up here. Why else would you be bothering me?

[liprings]

You're a lost fucking cause, bro.

Are you kidding me?! I get to take walks on the moon! [ a beat. ] Which is actually really fucking boring when you get over the bouncing.

[bitcher]

So basically I'm right and you're bored out of your mind.

[liprings]

Uh — [ :[ ] Little bit, maybe.

[bitcher]

So why don't you go on one of those.... "missions" I keep hearing about?

[liprings]

What, like, to go visit Moctezuma or whatever?

[bitcher]

If... that's the sort of thing people usually do, then yeah.

[liprings]

Sounds kinda fucked up.

[ thoughtful pause... ]

But I bet they had sweet bitches back then.

[bitcher]

Right. Just waiting for a... vampire.... like you to sweep them off their feet.

[liprings]

Fuckin' right! Shit, I'd be a regular Prince Charming with fangs.

Wanna go?